for any one one who cares this is a little autobiography for people to understand why im such a wierd,wierd young man

it started when i was 12, i went to england to see my dad and live with him for the first time, then towards the end i decided to live their permantly, i told my mother over the phone didnt even tell my best friends, my granparents, my relitives

i was stupid naivie and young its only years later when i had matured did the gravity of the situation hit me, and to this day that it is my biggest regret for what i did them all i can never ever repay them, my sister,mother conor love ( my brother) and all my aunts and uncles 

after the summer i got enrolled to a school called christ the king a mainly catholic school where in all honesty within the first few weeks i became the most popular kid in the school, on account of my irish accent and my new look (lost the glasses, the weight and my geekyness) i knew how to play football and that also helped alot, then i met my first girlfriend and love, katie

when i say 1st love, looking back it wasnt love it was more the 1st girlfriend disease she was in 3rd year i was in 2nd, she was a rock chick, and eventually i got into that scene, grew thehair got my slipknot ts ect ect the same shit every angst riddin kid does at that age, lost my virginity to her and that as soon as it started it was over, after that the emo look decressed my popularity, i gave up football started smoking and became more and more isolated, at this point i stopped going to school, my second biggest regret, i was so head over heels with that girl that when it ended i didnt care about life, i had no idea what  was going to do with my life and nor did i care i was in cian land just thinking about myself over and over, then about 6 monthes of depression and hating friends for not being able to relate i was thrown a lifeline a girl who was 16, amber and her mum took over the pub down the road where me and my dad would go have a drink, and i was introduced

she had such a happy upbeat outlook on life that soon she started to invite me to town and meet her friends, at last a way out! soon they where my group too, we went to giggs together, we had parties, thinking we were the living re-carnations of the skins crew, it was at this point where i was most happiest, i had two best friends, Stephan and joeh. Stephan, a typical 17 year old, moaning that hell never find love or happiness and joeh a 16 year old extremely camp gay guy who could make the most dark Goth sing fall out boy songs within 10 minutes of meeting him, we met up every Friday, but eventually, like most things the cookie began to crumble, most people know that when your 13 and with a group constantly going to town that eventually the bitching and back stabbing comes into play, when people in the group go out and break up it makes sub groups and then the get smaller and smaller, in the end it was just me joeh and Stephan, at this point i started smoking weed recreationly, mainly to pass the time, and at this point just turned 14, i met Sophie, a 16 year old feisty girl who would become my girlfriend for the next year, Stephan best friend, we spent our 1st night we ever met all night in Nottingham city, sniffing poppers and drinking,and sleeping in MacDonalds it doesn’t sound romantic at all when i put it like that, but she could make anything romantic, she was that kind of girl, the only bad things that occurred in that year was that i smacked my dad for the first time and broke two fingers,got arrested for shoplifting the 1st time and almost died from pneumonia, i was getting fags from a dodgy bar tender in the chesterfield, another local pub, the turned out not to be fags and on sophies prom night of all nights i was rushed into hospital with a oxygen level of 34 instead of an average smokers, being 94/100, she visted me everyday made cards, wrote a 50 reasons why i love cian lancaster note and force fed nhs patatos till i was better, 2 weeks later i was out and back to smoking as soon as i left the hospital, probally not the smartest of ideas, but at the time smoking was part of my image the bad boy rocker truent, sounds stupid now, but it had worked for so long i thought changing it would lead to a break up,  

to cut a long storey short, she went to 6th form after that, and met another guy, we went through 3/4 months of going back and forth, lost joeh and Stephan from being to distant, and devolped sleep problems, i met my future wife loz one night in those 4 months, she’d got kicked out of her mums, and in my mind state i asked her to live with us, she lived there for half a year and helped me sleep, it was also at this time when i discovered my family buisness over there and just how big it was, dad would come in give us a quarter every couple of days, we’d smoke and watch a horror movie together, when she left, the house became empty and full of memories to happy for me, especially as i was still getting over sophie, it was then i started smoking daily in a effort to get my sleep patterns back to normal,but after 3 months it started keeping me up the social workers would come round id have school meetings to discuss trunency, their was so much pressure to regain a normal life to get my education and get back my group, to get back sophie, i couldn’t sleep because of the thoughts constantly spinning in my head, couldnt sort them because i was smoking so much to keep the stress away, and eventually the weed kept me up, in December of 14 i hit my biggest low staying up for 3-4 days in row and finally goin to sleep/passing out, wake up and do it all again, i started using every other drug, thinking t this point my life was over and i was going to end up a dole dosing tramp anyway, id take 2 grams of weed a night, around 9am take 1gram of speed stop myself from jumping of a bridge and help do the drops in order to help pay for my habits, on the 3 or 4th night of being awake id take 3 grams of weed and try to go to sleep.

it was around my 15th birthday where i was put into thornywood adolescent sleep and mental health disorder unit for 2 weeks by my therpist and social workers, whos main issue was still school, i lived there in a crappy prison like bed, the hardest part was not smoking weed, and befriending the skitzos and the ocd fanatics, eventually at my own admission i got everyone to beleive i was sorted and i wouldnt do anything again, i got a drug worker nathan from faceit who visited me daily and another 3 agencies to help me get back into skool but within days i had gone back into my old ways, but with a diffrent perspective, i had evaluated the situation sober for the 1st time in 2 years, and i learnt to deal that i was part of the lower class of britian now, and through my own fault, so i could fight to get out of it or i could stay and make as much money out of dodgy deals as i could,so i could at least survive without an education, i stopped taking mcat ecasty coke and poppers regulary but using speed ketamine weed and mdma more, and on a bigger scale than before,got into alot of one night stands with the chaviest girls who had heard about my reputation, i had brief scare with kidney failure when two doctors thought i was showing symptoms, and another scare when brought a 22 year old girl home who lived in yorkshire locked us both in a room for 3 days and spent the whole time takeing speed,smoking and fucking, she had been around the block to say the least and i was seriously worried about stds but luckily they came back negative, i had a youth offenders record of 4 assaults and a criminal record of 2 shoplifting charges,possession of a class c drug, and vandalism for keying a car of this guy i knew who i hated, i had broken a arm, both my wrists (one was a fracture) and all my fingers except my thumbs and little finger

on my 16th i hated my drug using,the group i was in now where wiggers,who where half crack addicts 24-26 year olds and the rest where 16-18 year old pure druggies,all we did was set fire to the local church, mug people for money,have big parties at mine,and meet up in the day time to smoke more weed, i had no one to talk to. so one day i decided to stop taking everything weekly except for weed which was still daily 3 grams a night, it was too hard though so i made the difficult decision to go back to Ireland, try my last shot of coming clean and getting some education before im stuck selling drugs all night to the filthy crack houses i used to love hanging in, and here i am :) i hope this helped fill you in in why im so awkward and stupid sometimes, all these things happened because of me, the Sophie break up was the gateway and everything i did after was in order to get away from these haunting thoughts, that are slowly coming back the more i stay away from the drugs, which is scary, but eventually i had to deal with them, i hope i can now :) from being the chubby wierd boy with glasses and a brain, to the top and bottom of the social hierarchy. 

just saw ken bigglys beheading video… im not going to bed tonight

how can they do that to someone,as if its for a higher purpose? 

man has fought and killed for religion since the dawn of time but is it really for your religion when its done so brutally? when you video yourself decapitating an innocent man and post it all over the internet? even in the Islamic faith it must teach discipline and respect.. is that respect to anyone? is there any pride to killing a tied up old man who begs for his life? 

its that stuff that really makes you think about your life, there’s people out there who get a sick pleasure from doing those things, no matter how crazy you think you are, self harm,drugs,love,fucked family,it really is just a fraction of what some have to cope with, if any of my family ended like that, i don’t know if I could live in this world without getting revenge, whoever’s against the war in Iraq, just look at those videos and tell me that what that country does with its women and its spies is just ‘human nature’, to take life so easily and savagely. its a crime against the last thousand years of the evolution of the psyche of man, and if going to their country, killing half their people and taking their oil is a bi product of making it a better place, then I salute George bush and Tony blair for their difficult decision to send us to war. god bless the troops and hopefully one day they’ll free the Iraq public from the shackles of oppression theyve had on for so many painful, hate filled years

I don’t think she understands the sacrifices that I made
Maybe if this bitch had acted right I would’ve stayed
But I’ve already wasted over half of my life I would’ve laid
Down and died for you I no longer cry for you
No more pain bitch you
Took me for granted took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt I can no longer stand it
Now my respect I demand it
Imma take control of this relationship
Command it, and imma be the boss of you now goddamnit
And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out this much you owe me
I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you while I’ve stayed
Faithful all the way this is how I fucking get repaid
Look at how I dress fucking baggy sweats, go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you I ain’t heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me I deserve respect
Ive done my best to give you nothing less than perfectness
And I know that if I end this I’ll no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase it’s time to fucking step
And I wont be coming back so don’t hold your fucking breath
You know what you’ve done no need to go in depth
I told you, you’d be sorry if I fucking left
Id laugh while you wept
Hows it feel now, yeah, funny ain’t it, you neglected me
Did me a favor although my spirit free you’ve set
But a special place for you in my heart I have kept its unfortunate

I feel like when I bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh
Cause that ain’t good enough you expect me to fold myself in half
Til I snap
Don’t think I’m loyal
All I do is crack
How can I moonlight on the side
I have no life outside of that
Don’t I give you enough of my time
You don’t think so do you
Jealous when I spend time with the girls
Why I’m married to you still man I don’t know
But tonight I’m serving you with papers
I’m divorcing you
Go marry someone else and make em famous
And take away their freedom like you did to me
Treat em like you don’t need them and they ain’t worthy of you
Feed em the same shit you made me eat
I’m moving on forget you oh,
Now I’m special? Oh, I didn’t feel special when i was with you
All I ever felt was this
Helplessness
Imprisoned by a selfish bitch
Chew me up and spit me out
I fell for this so many times
It’s ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I’m sick of this but in my sickness and addiction
You’re as addictive as they get
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I can’t just walk away from
I’m addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
I’m drawn in so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain’t changing my mind
I’m climbing out this abyss
You screaming as I walk out that I’ll be missed
But when you spoke to people who meant the most to you
You left me off your list

Fuck you drugs
I’m leaving you, my life sentence is served bitch

Don’t talk, don’t say a thing 
Cause your eyes they tell me more than your words 
Cause they say the best way out is through 
And I am short on words knowing what’s occurred 
She begins to leave because of grief
Her bag is now much heavier 
I wish that I could carry her 
But this is her ungodly hour 
I know you’re leaving now 
Cause I held on to my way tightly 
Stay still until you know 
Tomorrow finds the best way out is through 
And I am short on words knowing what’s occurred 
She begins to leave because of grief 
Her bag is now much heavier 
I wish that I could carry her 
But this is our ungodly hour